Check the date. You'll be surprised to note that I'm writing you before any of you were even born. But you were thought of -- often. Now I'm preparing. I'm preparing to meet your father and preparing to be the best possible wife and mother I can be for my family. Sometimes the void in my home, arms, heart makes me think I'm impatiently waiting for people who will never come. I become distressed and depressed and I have to force myself to remember that there are many things in life that are within my control and many things in life where the lesson of patience lands me face planted into a brick wall time and time again.
I have yet to learn it, which means I would be unable to teach you. And I lack the compassion to forgive, which means you'd all be fighting with one another and I couldn't show you examples in my life where I had been wronged and decided to let the anger go. I sleep in -- til the afternoon when I can because I stay up so late and my body needs the sleep. Yes, I'm ready for you but I'm not quite ready for you. My time, my precious time is mine to squander and I need to start disciplining myself with it now before you arrive so that I don't feel overwhelmed with the endless responsibilities of motherhood. Yes, I'm ready for you but I'm not quite ready for you because I don't like cleaning up after people and I need to see the role of servant as a loving act of service -- which is not at all how I feel about it now!
Yes, I'm ready for you! But in the way that a 15 year old looks forward to having his/her driver's license. Teenagers view driving as freedom, independence, self-reliance. It's all of those things and a whole lot more. It's responsibility. It's not choking under pressure in the exact moment you need to perform well. It's being aware of every single possible danger and knowing how to respond accordingly. After a while, it's just an act we do from muscle memory and yet our minds still need to be focused on the task 100% because accidents happen. Driving isn't just about the license or the brand new (to me) car in the driveway on a celebratory occasion. It's about the pulsing anxiety that floods your body when you're driving on a six lane highway at 1 am and you're stuck between the median and a tractor trailer truck. And it's pouring. And there are people in the car -- not just you, other people you love. It's about staying the course even when you're so tense and afraid and you want to pull over and quit or stop and quit but you can't. Lots of things in life evoke these same kinds of feelings.
I don't envision motherhood the way a teenager would. I've matured enough to know that children take more than love than they ever give back. But I'm also smart enough to know that good parents learn and grow as much as their children do. But I also know, there's no way real way to prepare for driving in the storm other than lots of practice of driving when it's sunny. The confidence we gain from the tiny triumphs build up and we feel confident to take on the greater challenges. Which is why I feel ready for the next phase of my life even though it's quite clear God has not brought these blessings into my life.
Remember that. When there's something you desperately want. A career. A family. A driver's license. :) A boyfriend. A new pair of skinny jeans. A better life. Remember that they're all blessings from God. Remember when you start to fret about anything that waiting isn't the same thing as preparing. Remember that feeling isn't being. Remember me. Remember me at this point in my life where I'm faced with lessons of gratitude and patience so that I can prepare myself for motherhood.
(Not that you can ever really be ready for driving on the highway at 1 am in between two tractor trailer trucks during a hailstorm with a screaming baby in the car. But you can get pretty darn close!)